there are things to say, about dishes and my emotions and my sense of self worth

but, last night we logged into trav's parents' paramount+ to watch casino royale BUT YA THAT IS RIGHT BAYBEEEE WE GOT OURSELVES A PARAMOUNT+ LOGIN I CAN WATCH THE TEEN WOLF MOVIE!!!!

i am having a horrible day so far and now the hello kitty x sonix, character-in-sushi phone case doesn't even come in iphone 11 (or iphone 12 but that also doesn't me positively either)

in the past ~day or so ive seen articles about jeff bezos’s gf lauren sanchez on wsj mag and nymag like why aren’t they just trying to keep a low profile??? they’re paying for press to have people in ig comments be like “oh isn’t this the adulterers and she was in a relationship with his friend at the time”

hashtag wealth whispers but only so that i dont have to hear about them. like, i don’t know the first name for any of the sacklers and isn’t that better?

I don't think I have weird gender hangups. At the same time, I feel like I am a 14-year-old boy (maturity, also because I am reading Chainsaw Man) and simultaneously a gay man (idk, F1 and Real Housewives? My Hulu ads think I am a gay man). But maybe I am chained to my femininity because my beauty and competence make it easy. Path of least resistance. I had this thought in less-defined forms before (less defined than this? how!) so I guess it gets the privilege of being written down. But, not enough to be written in the JOURNAL.

I want to feel seen, and so that is why I fell into the social-microblog tumblr web. But, now I am realizing, I am also striving for privacy. I want to be a private person. So wanting to be seen and listened to and validated are all at odds with -- what I feel is a core characteristic of myself, which is -- my reluctance to be open, even semi-anonymously on the internet.

WHO is going to read this blog? What purpose does this serve? I wrote all this code and what I should have really been doing was WRITING IN MY JOURNAL.

no sillyness!